As I’m sure many of you know, I’ve struggled with anxiety, finding balance and juggling my kids’ needs. I hit burnout last fall: my body was physically and mentally failing me. I had gained almost 30lbs in a fairly short time – weight that I had previously slowly added and even more slowly lost several times over since becoming a parent more than 13 years ago. I’ve joined bootcamps and exercise classes, signed up for programmes and done detoxes – all in the name of finding a “healthy lifestyle change,” not a diet.
Nothing stuck.
Everything was a challenge.
Each workout was something I had to push myself into and often easily talked myself out of. I had injury after injury – never from something I did while working out (I always had amazing trainers and would wholeheartedly recommend any of them), but because the strengthening was only happening for the 60 minutes of class, the nutrition, only for the 14 or 21 or 3 days of strict adherence. I was injuring myself doing daily tasks: bending down, nursing a child, reaching for a shelf, even typing! None of it brought me joy – it was a means to an end. To what end though? I’ve never looked forward to exercising. I’ve always enjoyed being active, moving my body, the exhilaration a day of transforming our backyard brought me – but putting on athletic wear to head to a class to work my ass off? Nope. NEVER. I had become so overwhelmed in my state of burnout that getting out of bed often took hours and the piles of backlogged chores and projects, tasks and lists of items to-do, threatened to smother me if I dared have the ambition to tackle more than the minimum.
I began taking antidepressants at the recommendation of my long-time psychologist in accordance with my family doctor. To say it was a rocky adjustment would be a great understatement. Many would say it was the pandemic; all of us at home together 24 hours a day, my children’s neuro-diversities – even our own.
Sure, it was all of those things, but I had lost what made me, me.
My heartrate raced at the slightest movement, leaving me sweaty and breathless with minimal exertion. My hands trembled for no reason, and I was angry all the time. My temper was short, and I had little patience for more than the, admittedly huge, demands of my children. I was so concerned I would have a heart attack that I began tracking my rising blood pressure and cut out all aspects of our day to day that were unnecessary. I was walking 5km a day but instead of being able to go further or go faster, it decreased each day.
I celebrated all the little wins and had an optimistic attitude for the new year. Several times I attempted to set myself a schedule of using our indoor bike with integrated fitness programming. I’d go a few days and then miss one, go a few more, then miss a few. We were deep into a winter lockdown and the overwhelm began to mount once again, leaving me dreading what I would need to do next to help myself out of this state – what could I even do? Each time I sat back down to take a break and collect my breath, a quick scroll through social media and there she was: a mom from my online birth group. Virtual friends since we were both expecting in 2017, I had watched Ashlynn transform her body and mindset over the previous six months. I had asked her about it a while before and dismissed the idea of it working for me once I heard it was a fitness and health routine – oh, that would take hard work and time, neither of which I had.
Today she was starting a small group of women supporting women and she was looking for a few to join for her own experience in a larger community. The ingrained helper in me; the people pleaser in recovery, needing to feel needed, loved this idea. It would benefit me too, so why not? Sure, I’ll help you help me. After all, it was about the comradery, the exercise would just be a little kickstart for me.
Something changed that day. I decided not to wait until the next fresh week, or when my new fitness equipment arrived, I started right then and there. After all, it was only 25-35 minutes a day.
“No, I don’t need any of the supplements, I’m already taking this and that and have a protein powder I use and eat fairly well.”
“Sure, I’ll try the sample month’s supply with the pack.” Eek, what have I done?
Then more questions peppered my thoughts:
Is there a sharp learning curve?
Am I going to be overwhelmed by the workouts?
Will it be those overly chipper, barbie-fit trainers, with zero personality like the DVDs I’d tried years before?
There was only one way to find out.
I hit PLAY.
I managed to get through the workout, modifying many of the moves I had been able to easily perform not long before, but I didn’t care. I had done it and I wanted more. I snapped my sweaty selfie and posted to our small, private group. At first I craved the feedback from the others, from my friend – my old need for acceptance and my people-pleasing old habit tried to rear their ugly heads.
The next day I hit play and exercised again. Then I saw the resilience of the other women, their struggles, and their wins and felt excited for them too.
The next day my box arrived, and I tried the post-workout shake – wow, it tasted great and was way less mess than my recipe of a protein shake! I needed to share this feeling – so I posted in our group.
Some days I cried through my workouts – not because I found them a tough sell, or physically had to push through (they are challenging!), but because I began to physically and mentally require the exercise, and everything seemed to be in my way of completing them. I posted those photos too. My vulnerability gave confidence to others to show their rawness as well. I began to start my days faster, with more enthusiasm (or at the least, confidence), that I could tackle what the day might bring.
Our three-week group ended, and no sooner had I posted my tracking info for the day with my photo, I found myself asking if there would be a next? As it happens, there is a larger sisterhood of women supporting each other through their individual journeys and I quickly located those within it that would be continuing on with the second half of the fitness programme I was enjoying, starting our own small support and accountability group. I began posting my selfie and info quickly so I could scroll a few people above me and leave comments or reactions of support before hopping in the shower. I smile and feel encouraged by the comments on my own posts, but I don’t hold my breath waiting to read them or see if anyone has even reacted.
That feeling of accomplishment is within me.
I have become that person, I never thought I would ever be – the person who craves fitness, who looks forward to her workout, who restructures the day to allow for the workout to still happen.
For the first time, this isn’t some fragmented journey of fat loss, or muscle gain, nutrition or diet. It’s changing my mindset. It aligns with the work I’ve been doing for a long time on prioritizing my mental and physical wellbeing from so many angles: the trainers I’ve had in the past I can see nodding in my head as the one on the screen cues a form-check, or muscle engagement; my esteemed yoga instructor’s voice echoes the one heard over the speaker, as I hold a pose or deepen into a stretch or take in a belly breath through my nose. It isn’t about the weight loss or the picture-perfect body either – even though these trainers with bodies of perfection seem to have conquered both. It’s about living and ageing in good health; building strength, flexibility, resilience and mobility; to be able to move with ease, often, and for as many years as possible.
I’m five months into this journey and am feeling fantastic! Don’t take my word for it – my face and body say it all.
Contemplating change and wanting to better yourself, but could use the support of a village around you – especially during these isolating times? The community I have joined is welcoming, supportive and genuine. We are all here because we have struggled to find the internal dialogue that speaks with authority and self-love that each of us needs to thrive, physically and emotionally. I’d love to answer any questions or share more about any aspect of my journey, whether you want to join us or not!
March 1, 2021 – July 12, 2021
For more information check out my Instagram @jugglingkids .